CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 3 (French Hens)

Changing all the station presets on my car radio was probably one of my best ideas I have ever had. I don't mean "best" as in "my favorite," mind you. I mean it is one of the most effective actions I have ever taken. Nothing is more aggravating/defeating than when you are listening to the fourth soft rock variation of "Little Drummer Boy" for the evening and instinctively go to change the station only to find that EVERY ONE OF YOUR STATIONS is playing the same thing. Sure, I could manually tune in another station, but it's just so much work.

On Tuesday, I listened to 8 solid hours of Christmas music radio and picked up a trick or two about Christmas music programming. All the good cuts that you are waiting to hear are played during the day in the middle of the hour. At the top of the hour, they play all the annoying shit people request because they think it is funny (Hippopotamus for xmas, Dominick the Donkey, Feliz Navidad). Then, on the drive home, they bust out the smooth jazz versions to put everyone to sleep and veer into oncoming traffic.

It may sound like I'm becoming scroogier every second, but I would argue the contrary. I bought a santa hat and am wearing it, I put up Christmas lights on our porch, I made cookies and honey roasted almonds for all of my various jobs, and tomorrow, I will be giving gifts to my neighbors. I've even caught myself singing carols as I walk.

I might have to drive in silence from now on, though.

CHALLENGE: Do You Know It's Christmas Time (at all)?

I tend to drink a lot during the holidays. Here's one reason.

I'm sure you have a local radio station that is now playing nothing but Christmas music and I'm certainly not going to hum-bug that. After all, if you don't like it, you can always change the channel. My problem is with one particular song that gets stuck on replay about four times an hour. It's a super band charity song called "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and it sucks. DTKIC has all the markings of a hastily written, sleazy, stupid "charity" song that could only come from a coke-fueled rock orgy. Seriously, read the Wiki on it!

Now, before I get hate email from all my fan (Hi, Honey!), I want to state that I am fully aware that it was made to raise money for the Ethiopian famine of the late 80's. I also want to state that I am not against charity, or feeding the world, or Christmas cheer. I understand that people need help, especially when they are starving to death. This all being said, the song still sucks. I give you Exhibit A: A snippet of song Lyrics from DTKIC:

But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones

At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing 

Is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

Where nothing ever grows

No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Did you read that? That's right. Not only do they mention Ethiopians as The Other Ones, but they also make the fatal geographic mistake of counting Africa as one giant country. Also, they lord our mighty Western superiority over the Etheo...Ithio...Ethel.... The Other Ones by gently stirring the remainder of their apple-tinis and tisk-tisking, "Thank God it's them instead of you." 

What dicks.

Okay, I'll play along. So this giant African country is a desolate wasteland with no rivers or rain and are so poor that they can't even afford a calendar to see what time of year it is. Let's take a look.

What a hellhole.

What is that? Oh, that's just Lake Victoria, the eighth largest continental lake in the world. It's just part of Kenya and Uganda. Well, it's not like it's the Nile or anything (note to dummies: The Nile is also in Africa).

Sun...burning...can't...find...shade...anywhere...

Let's just cut our way around the thick forestation of Central Africa, home to tropical vegetation and numerous forms of life. Oh, here we are. African people. Since all of Africa is the same bitter existence, we should start weeping now over the injustice of the...

The horror.

Huh. How about that. 

So listen, DTKIC. Raise all the money you want for aid to Ethiopia. Just do it in a way that doesn't embarrass yourself and, by extension, everyone who might like at least one person on singing on your album. Also, please stop bribing/blackmailing radio to play this stupid song four times an hour. It gets more play than that Drummer Boy song, which has 36 different versions that all get played back-to-back around this time of year.

Yet, sitting here scrooging away at the Worst Christmas Song Ever, I realized what I now must do. I must not run from my Christmas Demons. I must embrace.

THE CHALLENGE:

Live the Holiday Spirit and pursue an agenda of Christmas cheer from now until the New Year.

RULES:

1. Listen to 100.3 WNIC, Detroit's Christmas Station, as much as possible from now until 12 AM December 26th.

2. Think of something "Christmasy" to do every day from now until 12 AM December 26th.

3. Think of something "New Yearsy" to do every day from December 26th - January 1st, 2012 12:01 AM

START DATE: Monday, December 19th, 2011

END DATE: Sunday, January 1st, 2012 12:01 AM

I've already changed all the radio presets in my car to WNIC. Oh what fun it will be to ride!

CHALLENGE UPDATE: The Finale

Little does she know, he's covering up the deep end of the pool.

The HFCS challenge went so well, I think I got a complex about things relating to this blog. Luckily, the Chivalry Challenge brought me crashing back down to Earth.

It started out wholesome enough. I opened doors and stood upon a ladies' arrival. Pretty soon, however, I began to realize that I was forgetting this little rule or that little rule. I would try and concentrate on one, only to let another one slip through the cracks. It doesn't help that no one is expecting you to stand when they enter and basically zooms in and out of rooms at the speed of light. How am I supposed to uphold the honor of a lady when said lady doesn't even stick around long enough to be honored?

Ultimately, I have no one to blame but myself. The main problem was that there were just too many things to remember. Wife was especially good at remembering all the ones I forgot, as well. This deadly combination spelled doom to the whole operation. By day 20 I basically said "The hell with it," and just tried to hold open doors. Then I just tried to act like I didn't notice any women around.

I want to point out that I am naturally at a disadvantage verses the knights of old. Back in the day, the majority of women were serfs and, therefore, barely worth kicking mud at. Nowadays, every woman is a lady, so I have a billion times more work to put in. Plus, unlike the close knit (and sometimes incestuous) courts of old, I don't know the majority of ladies to whom I am being courtly. I'm surprised I haven't gotten pepper sprayed.

I will report one small success. The QUEST my wife sent me on (putting the toilet seat down) succeeded over 80% of the time. For a guy who just doesn't do that sort of thing, 80% is a real accomplishment.

For now, I think I'll retire this challenge and start a smaller, more simple one. One without so much toilet involvement.

So:

CHALLENGE OVER
RESULT: FAILED
LEARNED: It's a lot harder to be chivalrous to people you don't know.

Every Women Deserves

So, I've been away failing at my challenge. More on that later. 


Right now, I just have to address a phenomenon that is hitting Facebook by storm. It usually goes like this:

"Every woman deserves a man who calls her baby, kisses her like he means it, holds her like he never wants to let her go, doesn't cheat or lie, Wipes her tears when she cries, doesn't make her jealous of other women, instead makes other women jealous of her, is not scared to let his friends know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her. Re- post if you agree"


Now, of course, this should immediately go on to 15 Things White Girls Love To Do On Facebook. But we have deeper issues to address here. In fact, I will address it straight to the source.


No, white girl on Faceplace, I will not re-post your thing. The fundamentals of your assertion are wrong. First of all, not every woman deserves this. Some women are awful people who punch children and cheat on their taxes. Some woman are perfectly normal but don't want any of this. Some women think this is nice, but would rather have a glass of wine, or a nice Kia Sorento, or a puppy, or whatever it is that women want nowadays.


But even deeper than that, I want to Inception the real dilemma in this statement. What in hell makes you worthy to have such a person in your life? This doesn't just happen. To wait around waiting to win happiness like it's some kind of lottery is the definition of delusion. You are not Carrie Bradshaw (yes, I know who that is). There is not Carrie Bradshaw. She is just a made up mascot. You, being a real person, must earn it. A good person in your life with is a result of a few things:

-Not allowing people to treat you like crap.

-Working on your own attitude/personal health/mental well being

-Actually going after the things on your wishlist

-Realizing that the other person you desire is not a fucking accessory, but a living and breathing human being with their own wants and desires.

Yeah, sure, luck is a bit of a factor. But I'm the kind of man who believes that you manufacture the luck you get. This goes both ways, so I don't want to see guys start whining about "Finding Cool Chicks" on the Faceplace either. 

Oh, and it's also a lot of work to get to that point, so be prepared to put in the time. You might want to ask yourself how much you really want it. If not, then I would post something different. Something like:

"Most people deserve what they earn."

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 8

While doting over my beloved wife one evening, She hath asked of me how thy latest challenge is progressing. I hath said unto... I can't keep this up.

I told her it wasn't going very well. Then she said something that changed the game, "If you want to do chivalry, why don't you leave the toilet seat down?"

A QUEST!

Normally, I would have responded with my standard excuses (I find it sexist, I'm lazy, we have to bathrooms and I can leave one seat up and just poop in the other, etc...), but it got me thinking about the whole Chivalry thing. What is more Chivalrous than A QUEST?!?!??!

A QUEST!

From this day forth, I shall seek the favour (note the British spelling of "favour," which means it's serious) of my lady by putting down the toilet seat! This is swear upon Excalibur!

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 5

The long and the short of this is: I'm terrible at this new challenge.

I remember seeing old videos in grade school about how dinosaurs had poor nervous systems that operated too slow. If a branch falls on a dino's foot, instead of going to it's spinal column, the signal would make a lazy path to it's brain, then all the way back again to tell it to move (at least that is how 4th grade me remembers it).

I feel that is very much like my Chivalrous reaction time. Every time a female enters a room, the signal makes it's way from my eyes to the brain with all the urgency of a Family Circus cartoon. By the time I register that there is a female in the room and the signal makes a leisurely path to my legs forcing me to stand, the room is once again empty.

...Also I swear A LOT in public.

CHALLENGE: Chivalry Rehabilitated (Chival-Rehab)

Back in the Middle Ages, there was this idea of Chivalry. It started as a code of knighthood to enable the aristocratic warrior class to fight according to principles of honor, courage, loyalty, and excellence. As various romantic and religious elements took hold, Chivalry evolved to include upholding Christianity, honoring heraldry, protecting the innocent or poor, and service to thine lady.

It is the romantic notion of courtly love (service and devotion to your love) that survives as a chivalrous idea today. When people say, "Chivalry is dead," they mean courtly love and manners are dead. At least I think so. I don't see too many people lamenting the lost art of mace fighting or suit-of-armor polishing. Modern Chivalry has also come to take the form of gentlemanly conduct in the face of one's love and rivals.

I could use some class in the face of my enemies, so this sounds like the next great challenge. Rather than get an armor suit and getting my horse to prance around daintily while poking people with a stick (I'm not sure I really understand jousting), I'm going concentrate more on the social rules of conduct.

I did some research (on the internet) to create some guidelines Chivalry. There is no definitive guide, but I managed to pull the main concepts from various sources and arrange them into a list of some sort. 

This set is what I like to call the List Chivalry And Gentlemanly Guidelines (LOCAGG):

No cursing in public.

Don't raise your voice unless in public address or declaration of love.

Maintain an even temper.

Don't interrupt.

Remove your hat indoors.

Be the last to sit at a table.

Always forgive. 

Strive to be charitable every day. Specifically: do at least one selfless act for the less fortunate.

This is a little list that I like to call the List of Chivalry and Gentlemanly Guidelines Regarding All Ladies (LOCAGGRAG):

Always be vigilant to defend the honor and virtue of my lady.

Always stand when a lady enters the room. Stand on exit if possible.

Pull out chairs for a lady. If there are no chairs, offer your chair.

Open doors for a lady (or elderly).

Put on a coat for a lady.

Offer an arm to a lady when escorting outside.

Ask at least once every fifteen minutes if my lady needs anything.

THE CHALLENGE:

Uphold the spirit of Chivalry for 30 days by adhering to the rules outlined in the LOCAGG and the LOCAGGRAG to find out if there is any virtue to Virtue.

RULES:

1. All days are consecutive.

2. I must follow the rules outlined in the LOCAGG and the LOCAGGRAG.

3. While general rules regarding women are in play for all women, my Lady of Favour will always be my wife.

4. If something is deemed contrary to the LOCAGG/RAG or against the spirit of the challenge, Wife will decide the proper restitution.

Start Date: Monday, November 14th, 2011 12:01 AM

End Date: Wednesday, December 14th, 2011 Midnight

Huzzah!

Re: College Park, PA

I had promised to post earlier about the conclusion of the first challenge. I had promised and failed to deliver. To be honest, I have been absorbed in what has been going on at Penn State.  I just had to see what was going to happen. It was a lot like a car crash, if the car also ran over hopes, dreams, and integrity of an entire program. I'll get back to Challenge in a bit, but first I have to rant about PSU.

I am not a Penn State fan, nor am I a Nittany Lion, but I have always been a Big Ten (or B1G, as the logo goes) guy. It may seem bizarre to some people, I grew up wanting to go to one of these schools. As a kid and a prospective student, you know about the Rose Bowl, the rivalries, and all the history that comes with these institutions. It's not just athletics, but it's also a collection of research-sharing, like-minded institutions. And if you have been born after Woodstock, then you know of no other coach at Penn State than Joe Paterno. Supposedly, he has been the last bastion of the "old school" philosophy of coaching where character and development is supposed to matter.

That is what has made the past week crushing. Not just tough, or bewildering, or shocking. This is crushing. If you don't know what happened, please fill yourself in before continuing.

As the saying goes, it isn't the crime, but the cover-up that sinks people. I never thought anything would sicken me more than child sexual abuse. It turns out that hiding child sexual abuse for over a decade while allowing the perpetrator to prey on new victims is the New Low. I tried to hold judgement until the actual trial, but the grand jury testimony is so damning from so many witnesses... If only one testimony turns out to be true, it would still be just as bad. I am so angry that this could happen and I can't imagine what Nittany students and players are feeling like now, so I won't.

The conflict I face is how to reconcile the Jo Pa I have known v The Jo Pa revealed to us. I had a philosophy that certain coaches have earned the right to style their own exit. Now I realize the folly of that thinking. Even the most well-meaning of men can become enamored with fame. It ends up defining your life to the point where you don't know how to live without it. Jo Pa was asked to leave in 2004 and basically told the AD "I don't think so." Who the hell can tell their boss that? Someone who thinks they are untouchable. Someone who has grown so completely into their job that no one - not even themselves - can wrench them from it. A man like that was only going to exit one of two ways: scandal or death.

I don't want to blame Jo Pa for all of this. Sandusky allegedly did these heinous acts and he is the culprit. But the buck stopped with Paterno when it was reported to him. If he covered up the crimes, he is certainly just as reprehensible. If he didn't know or forgot, he is not truly in charge at PSU, which would make it even worse since the inmates were basically running the asylum. He just cannot escape this.

None of this is demonstrating character. None of this is helping the young men on the team learn anything. None of this is like the Paterno we had come to know. I guess this proves we didn't know him at all.

CHALLENGE UPDATE: The Home Stretch

Here I am, the last Challenge day. I feel like it has been much easier than I thought it would be. I am considering something different to push the envelope of this exercise. Perhaps an ultra-challenge? Raise the stakes a bit?

I'm still hashing out the details, but I'll reveal it either by the end of challenge day today or tomorrow. Stay Tuned.

CHALLANGE UPDATE: Day 26

Before?

After?

I didn't do this to get healthy, but I would be remiss if I didn't address the health affects of this challenge.

The gold standard of health is always weight. Unfortunately, I haven't been weighing myself. However, I have been looking at myself in the mirror and thus have some scientific data to use.

Conclusion: No real change. I might have gained weight, but it's impossible to tell because I'm so beautiful. I can't stop getting caught in my gaze.

As for actually BEING healthier, I don't know if that is the case, either. As you might have gathered from previous posts, there are plenty of foods that are still bad for you but don't have HFCS. My goal was to eat like I normally eat but avoid that one ingredient, so I didn't completely commit to the whole "health" thing.

One thing I did notice is that I felt the need to take in... sugar. I don't know if this is related, but I always want some kind of candy. I made a chart of candy craving over time:

Maybe it is to replace all the sugar I am used to consuming. Maybe it's because Halloween is this week. Maybe it's because I have a lot of Skittles in the house. There could be a number of factors.

One positive outcome I have noticed is that I've also spent a lot of time looking at labels. I'm more aware of what goes in to my body. In addition to that knowledge, I am also forced to make the hard choice all the time. Instead of just ordering whatever out of laziness or throwing something in the microwave to save time, I have become accustomed to think more about what I have to do to get fed. The easy meal is usually something I can't eat, so I have to make the hard choice of (GASP) making something (or ordering from a place that makes everything in-house).

I don't know if any of this is making me a healthier person, but it is at least making me think more about what eating healthy really is. It is less about avoiding one "magic bullet" and more about being conscious about the whole operation of eating.  

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 23

I've managed to go 23 days without High Fructose Corn Syrup. To be honest, it has been a very manageable experience. I've learned there is a language I need to use in order to navigate most restaurants, bistros, cafes, fruit stands, food carts, lunchrooms, sandwich shops, bakeries, coffee shops, diners, drive-ins, picnics, bake sales, and lean-tos. In this society of ours, the only thing worse than a dining customer who is annoyingly picky is one who can't eat a very specific yet commonly used food ingredient.

Example: When I go to an eatery, I find that I usually get a negative response when I ask, "Do you buy this shit in bulk?" or "What's in this crap?"

So I use a delicate maneuvering of the English language and usually end up with something more like, "Hey, this looks good... Do you make this in-house?" If the waiter is at all interested in his job he usually volunteers way too much information along the lines of, "Sure, we make all our sauces/cookies/salsa here in the kitchen."

That's all I need to know. If they make the salsa in-house, they probably don't have a vat of enzymes just ready to churn out fructose from a sucrose base AKA no HFCS. If they don't say what I need to hear, I can at least avoid the issue and get a club sandwich or something.

The Tiers of Fandom: College Edition

I am a graduate of Michigan State University. I follow Spartan sports as much as I can. I'm not shy about any of this, so I wear a lot of green and white.

This past week, while wearing The Only Colors, I interacted with a dude who was wearing hat featuring the University of Michigan. The two schools happen to be playing each other, so the dude had some gentle ribbing to give me. I took it in stride and actually had fun with it. Then came the following exchange:

Dude: Well, we're rivals. What do you expect?

Me: Yeah. When did you graduate?

Dude: ...

U of M is just a team this dude cheers for. That's all fine and good, but that also means that we are not rivals. Why? I'll explain.

When I was a high school kid, I wanted to go to college. Specifically, I wanted a university with a Big Ten football program. I had grown up watching it and I wanted the experience just as much as a good education. I worked my ass off to meet the admission requirements for both MSU and U of M, in addition to a host of back-up schools. In the end, I ended up going to MSU, which was an excellent decision.

Once I made it in, I worked my ass off to get two degrees. I took the time to experience MSU's academic, social, and athletic offerings. I tailgated. I pulled all-nighters. I partied. I watched the riots. I wrote pages and pages of essays and took hours of exams. I went to every single home football game and stayed until the end. I put in 4(+) years of blood, sweat, tears, and time. That is why I can call myself a Spartan. If you did the same at the University of Michigan, you can call yourself a Wolverine.

Being a Spartan means I am permanently attached to MSU for richer or poorer. I am a Spartan whether we are 11-1 or 4-8. I am a Spartan when we discover a new cancer drug and when we secretly spy on student organizations. I am a Spartan when we fire coaches, hire new department chairs, make budget cuts, and build new labratories. I have made a commitment that cannot be taken back and will never be taken away.

If you did not make this commitment, you are neither a Spartan nor a Wolverine. If you just choose a school and decided to cheer for it, good for you. That does not make you the same. I don't care if your father went to the school, or your mother, sister, brother, second cousin, etc... You did not. For whatever reason in your control or not, you could not/would not/did not attend. You did not put the time or the work in. Be happy when they win and sad when they lose, but do not think that you are my rival. You are in a lower tier of fandom.

Hey, I understand. I have a lot of family that went to Florida. I cheer for the Gators on TV and like when they win. But I am not a Gator. I will probably never be. Not everyone can be. That is why it is valued.

So call me an elitist jerk. I don't care. In fact, if you're a Wolverine, you can call me pretty much all the stereotypes you know and I'll do it right back. That's pretty much what rivals do. If you're like that dude, be the biggest and best fan you want to be. But don't call me a rival and don't expect me to think we are the same. I am a Spartan. We are not the same.

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 12

Looks like milk, but they're actually just pouring straight sugar. Enjoy!

Reach into the pantry for a breakfast bowl. Meijer off brand Raisin Bran. High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Excitedly awaiting a single serving of Yoplait yogurt. High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Someone is handing out delicious birthday cupcakes and has saved one for you. High Fructose Corn Syrup.

HFCS is like a Herpes flare up at the most inconvenient time... so I'm told. While I have started out strong and Wife has kept vigilant, HFCS keeps flaring up. I'm beginning to think people are purposely putting it in their food now just to make life difficult.

I think the most deceptive is my morning cereal regimen. Those who have been around me in the morning know I don't like talking, moving, breathing, or thinking before cereal. If I could figure out a way to do my morning pee and eat at the same time so I wouldn't waste precious seconds before breakfast, I would. Certainly, the last thing I want to discover is that the cereal I'm about to eat is something I can't eat. So, I've loaded the pantry with safe cereals. As it turns out, they were the opposite of what I was expecting.

Here's a fun quiz. If you had Kellogg's Frosted Flakes and Kellogg's Low Fat Granola with Raisins on your shelf and you had to choose the one with no HFCS, which one would it be? If you chose Granola, you are terrible at this. Seriously, see for yourself. Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, Corn Pops, and Honey Smacks all have no HFCS. That's not to say there is no sugar; sugar is actually the main ingredient of most of these cereals. But processed high fructose sweetener is absent from these products. Now compare that to the other side: Raisin Bran, the aforementioned Granola with Raisins, regular Granola, and freaking SMART START. What kills me is the Granola with Raisins, which is a cereal that already has a prominent fruit in it and still needs a fruit sugar substitute! WTF?!

And those damn Oreos are STILL THERE.

Surprise, Surprise.

I had designs to show Wife a good time at one of the nicer restaurants in town. We had spent the better part of the last two weeks merely sleeping next to one another. I haven't seen her awake in quite a while. So when Wife hit a professional milestone at work and my weekend schedule opened up, it seemed like the perfect time to enjoy the finer foods in life. As it turned out, Wife had other plans. She insisted on going to Aubree's, the pizza joint/sports bar. Not crappy at all, but when you're taking your wife out to dinner - a fancy, schmancy, celebrate something dinner - you usually don't expect to take her to a pizza joint/sports bar. Then she drops the real bomb: she's got some friends meeting us there.

Now would be a good time to mention we don't "swing." The idea of a romantic dinner with friends is lost on me. So I expressed my reservations eloquently through a series of frustrated sighs. I think she purposely ignored them.

At this point, the only saving grace of the night was that since we were going to a pizza joint/sports bar I would be able to see game one of the ALCS (Tigers v. Rangers). I figured I should just take what I can get at this point.

So Wife dragged me in to Aubree's and revealed her friend(s) already had a table way in the back. In the dark. Far away from the pretty TVs showing America's Pastime. She drags me into the back lounge and I'm just about to inform her of her egregious offenses to our romantic evening when the lights come on and everyone else yells "SURPRISE!"

Totally got me.

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 2

Stare into the face of evil.

The Oreos are taunting me. Every single freakin' time I walk into the kitchen, I hear their Siren song. Every time I open the pantry door, the evil bag is staring at me. "Just one," It says, "It'll make you fell goooood."

I usually scream 'NOOOOOOOOOOO!" at this point and hide under my papasan chair. It wasn't until just now that I figured out that papasan did not contain an "i," but no time for distractions right now. I am in a battle of wills.

Oreos are really the second major obstacle to my Non High Fructose Corn Syrup diet. I had already been denied with my ketchup. I would have been okay with just that revelation had Wife not felt it was her appointed duty to start checking everything I could immediately eat from that point on. It turns out she quite enjoys the fact that Man's greatest food invention is also on the forbidden list. I am not so amused. I can't tell if I want an Oreo because I want an Oreo, or if I want an Oreo because I can't have it. Grr.

I did have to do my first research Wednesday night. It was eleven at night and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I was looking at a long drive home from the relatively small town where I work, which meant my options were limited to Taco Bell or nothing at all. I was just about the pull in when I realized I had no idea what was in these burritos (which, sadly, had never stopped me before). I had to turn around and drive back to work, fire up a computer, surf to the Taco Bell website, and find out exactly what I would be eating. Most of what I saw I couldn't pronounce, but as long as I stayed away from the empenada and most of the sauces, I would be fine. I went Fresco that night.

Conclusion: If you want a regular meal, you are probably going to be fine. If you want something fun and sweet, however, you are probably going to be disappointed.

...And my evil Oreo voice sounds like Christopher Walken from The Prophecy.

CHALLENGE: High Fructose Corn Sacrifice

Nobody seems to know what High Fructose Corn Syrup is. The word "corn" is a dead giveaway that it has something to do with maize. Syrup is probably indicative of a pancake-condiment-like consistency. But when you put all the words together, they appear to take on a whole life of their own. The only thing people seem to know is that it's bad for you... or good for you, depending on what people think they know.

What is HFCS? It's a manufactured sweetener. It basically is milled and processed corn that is turned into starch, then corn syrup, then given a little enzyme party that turns almost half of that corn syrup (almost all glucose) into fructose. Fructose is the sugar molecule associated commonly with fruits and is what most food companies add to their product to make it taste better.

Now that your eyes have melted into your skull from boredom, here's a diagram I made for you in MS Paint to explain the process:

Science!

Is HFCS bad for you? There is some research that seems to link steady consumption of HFCS to a number of health issues, including obesity. Those on the other side will point out that there is no conclusive link that HFCS is the main cause of any of this.

Whether it is good or bad is not the point of this challenge. The thing I've noticed is that it is in EVERYTHING. Can something like this - that is "fine in moderation" - be taken in moderately when it is nearly unavoidable? How much do I normally take in? Can I stop? Will it even make a difference?

THE CHALLENGE:
Avoid all High Fructose Corn Syrup for 30 days. A day for each year of my life. My wife will be the observer and auditor.

RULES:
1. Absolutely no HFCS products, including condiments and dressings
2. All days are consecutive
3. If eating out at a place that doesn't make all food in-house (bars, fast food) I must know ahead of time. If I don't know ahead of time, I have to assume that foods that could have HFCS WILL have it. Asking is allowed.

START DATE: October 4th, 2011 7:00pm
ESTIMATED END DATE: November 3rd, 7:00pm

My first meal tonight HFCS free was going very well. Wife and I were aiming for some Kroger brand Shells and Cheese with vegetarian hot dogs. Not a usual meal, but some classic comfort foods perfect for the start of fall. Checked the shells and cheese: clean. Checked the hot dogs: clean. So I sat down to eat and grabbed the ketchup...

Ketchup: HFCS, third ingredient.

Dry hot dog. Nice.

Also, the buns were stale. Not that I could have eaten those anyway (HFCS). This is going to be annoying.

A Good Start?

I've been considering how exactly to kick this blog off. I guess my biggest fear is that I won't really have that much to say. After all, I've read a lot of blogs that are pretty bad. It does seem rather easy to suck at this. I'm not expecting to get everything correct right out of the gate. However, it would be nice to look back at these first posts and not rage vomit over the keyboard.

I am well aware that some aspects of being thirty are just not blog-worthy. So, what is worth blogging about? I could have made this a very focused blog about sports, or beer, or theatre (note: as I write this, spellcheck is alerting me that I am using the very un-American spelling of "Theatre" v the far more freedom-loving version "theatER"), or any one thing I feel pretty strongly about.

But I don't really care about one of those things. I should rephrase that: I don't just care about one thing. So, unless I want to start ten different blogs, I figured I would try to keep this blog rather open so I can fully encompass my Third Decade Experience (TDE). I will probably touch on all those things above in some way or another and I'll eventually figure out what is truly worth the writing as I go on.

To speed the learning curve and stave off boredom, I developed a structure to my madness. As I mentioned in my first post, I'm going to challenge myself for a predetermined time in a variety of ways. I figure this will give an overall structure and drive to keep this page from getting too scattered and boring. I would even invite some of you to think of new and devious ways to push this old body, mind, and spirit to the limit. The first one is going to be food related. It's not about losing weight. Stay tuned.

I am going to set up some ground rules for basic blogging. I done some great research (on the internet) and I've felt I've learned a trick or two. Also, I've ignored a lot of their advice.

1. I'm won't go back and change old posts. I can edit before I post, but not after. If there is an update to what I have written, I'll post another post. If I err, then I should learn from my mistakes. God help me if my grammar is terrible.

2. I will post as regularly as I can.

3. There shall be content. I won't post something just to let you know I'm alive.

4. I won't use anybody's name unless they say so. Public figures exempted.

5. I won't lie.

That's it. I'm getting ready to gear this thing up in the next couple days with the first real challenge. I am thirty, after all. It's time to light this candle.

Thirty: the Birth

Today is September 13th. In less than a month, I will be turning 30 years old. Like most people who get bored with the pornography on the internet, I've decided to start a blog about the experience of being in my 30's.

This will not be just some whiny blog about the aches and pains of my old body or the would-have should-haves of my life, oh no. In addition to the observation of life through my special 30 goggles, I will be challenging myself with quests that will (hopefully) confront the meaning of my life and entertain me in my downtime. These challenges will be personal (30 consecutive days of no high fructose corn syrup), social (30 straight days of actually supporting a cause), professional (30 days of doing something professional), etc... As the years go by, my challenge time will change by one day. Hopefully I will change as well.

I want this to be a memorable decade. I want you to join me. I also want to see how fast I get tired of writing the number 30.

So I'll pick this up when I've actually turned the magic age. In the meantime, I'm using this post as a place holder. See you soon!

My name is Matt. I live in Michigan. I have a wife, a dog, and two rats. In less than a month, I will be turning 30.