CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 3 (French Hens)

Changing all the station presets on my car radio was probably one of my best ideas I have ever had. I don't mean "best" as in "my favorite," mind you. I mean it is one of the most effective actions I have ever taken. Nothing is more aggravating/defeating than when you are listening to the fourth soft rock variation of "Little Drummer Boy" for the evening and instinctively go to change the station only to find that EVERY ONE OF YOUR STATIONS is playing the same thing. Sure, I could manually tune in another station, but it's just so much work.

On Tuesday, I listened to 8 solid hours of Christmas music radio and picked up a trick or two about Christmas music programming. All the good cuts that you are waiting to hear are played during the day in the middle of the hour. At the top of the hour, they play all the annoying shit people request because they think it is funny (Hippopotamus for xmas, Dominick the Donkey, Feliz Navidad). Then, on the drive home, they bust out the smooth jazz versions to put everyone to sleep and veer into oncoming traffic.

It may sound like I'm becoming scroogier every second, but I would argue the contrary. I bought a santa hat and am wearing it, I put up Christmas lights on our porch, I made cookies and honey roasted almonds for all of my various jobs, and tomorrow, I will be giving gifts to my neighbors. I've even caught myself singing carols as I walk.

I might have to drive in silence from now on, though.

CHALLENGE: Do You Know It's Christmas Time (at all)?

I tend to drink a lot during the holidays. Here's one reason.

I'm sure you have a local radio station that is now playing nothing but Christmas music and I'm certainly not going to hum-bug that. After all, if you don't like it, you can always change the channel. My problem is with one particular song that gets stuck on replay about four times an hour. It's a super band charity song called "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and it sucks. DTKIC has all the markings of a hastily written, sleazy, stupid "charity" song that could only come from a coke-fueled rock orgy. Seriously, read the Wiki on it!

Now, before I get hate email from all my fan (Hi, Honey!), I want to state that I am fully aware that it was made to raise money for the Ethiopian famine of the late 80's. I also want to state that I am not against charity, or feeding the world, or Christmas cheer. I understand that people need help, especially when they are starving to death. This all being said, the song still sucks. I give you Exhibit A: A snippet of song Lyrics from DTKIC:

But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones

At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing 

Is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

Where nothing ever grows

No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Did you read that? That's right. Not only do they mention Ethiopians as The Other Ones, but they also make the fatal geographic mistake of counting Africa as one giant country. Also, they lord our mighty Western superiority over the Etheo...Ithio...Ethel.... The Other Ones by gently stirring the remainder of their apple-tinis and tisk-tisking, "Thank God it's them instead of you." 

What dicks.

Okay, I'll play along. So this giant African country is a desolate wasteland with no rivers or rain and are so poor that they can't even afford a calendar to see what time of year it is. Let's take a look.

What a hellhole.

What is that? Oh, that's just Lake Victoria, the eighth largest continental lake in the world. It's just part of Kenya and Uganda. Well, it's not like it's the Nile or anything (note to dummies: The Nile is also in Africa).

Sun...burning...can't...find...shade...anywhere...

Let's just cut our way around the thick forestation of Central Africa, home to tropical vegetation and numerous forms of life. Oh, here we are. African people. Since all of Africa is the same bitter existence, we should start weeping now over the injustice of the...

The horror.

Huh. How about that. 

So listen, DTKIC. Raise all the money you want for aid to Ethiopia. Just do it in a way that doesn't embarrass yourself and, by extension, everyone who might like at least one person on singing on your album. Also, please stop bribing/blackmailing radio to play this stupid song four times an hour. It gets more play than that Drummer Boy song, which has 36 different versions that all get played back-to-back around this time of year.

Yet, sitting here scrooging away at the Worst Christmas Song Ever, I realized what I now must do. I must not run from my Christmas Demons. I must embrace.

THE CHALLENGE:

Live the Holiday Spirit and pursue an agenda of Christmas cheer from now until the New Year.

RULES:

1. Listen to 100.3 WNIC, Detroit's Christmas Station, as much as possible from now until 12 AM December 26th.

2. Think of something "Christmasy" to do every day from now until 12 AM December 26th.

3. Think of something "New Yearsy" to do every day from December 26th - January 1st, 2012 12:01 AM

START DATE: Monday, December 19th, 2011

END DATE: Sunday, January 1st, 2012 12:01 AM

I've already changed all the radio presets in my car to WNIC. Oh what fun it will be to ride!

CHALLENGE UPDATE: The Finale

Little does she know, he's covering up the deep end of the pool.

The HFCS challenge went so well, I think I got a complex about things relating to this blog. Luckily, the Chivalry Challenge brought me crashing back down to Earth.

It started out wholesome enough. I opened doors and stood upon a ladies' arrival. Pretty soon, however, I began to realize that I was forgetting this little rule or that little rule. I would try and concentrate on one, only to let another one slip through the cracks. It doesn't help that no one is expecting you to stand when they enter and basically zooms in and out of rooms at the speed of light. How am I supposed to uphold the honor of a lady when said lady doesn't even stick around long enough to be honored?

Ultimately, I have no one to blame but myself. The main problem was that there were just too many things to remember. Wife was especially good at remembering all the ones I forgot, as well. This deadly combination spelled doom to the whole operation. By day 20 I basically said "The hell with it," and just tried to hold open doors. Then I just tried to act like I didn't notice any women around.

I want to point out that I am naturally at a disadvantage verses the knights of old. Back in the day, the majority of women were serfs and, therefore, barely worth kicking mud at. Nowadays, every woman is a lady, so I have a billion times more work to put in. Plus, unlike the close knit (and sometimes incestuous) courts of old, I don't know the majority of ladies to whom I am being courtly. I'm surprised I haven't gotten pepper sprayed.

I will report one small success. The QUEST my wife sent me on (putting the toilet seat down) succeeded over 80% of the time. For a guy who just doesn't do that sort of thing, 80% is a real accomplishment.

For now, I think I'll retire this challenge and start a smaller, more simple one. One without so much toilet involvement.

So:

CHALLENGE OVER
RESULT: FAILED
LEARNED: It's a lot harder to be chivalrous to people you don't know.

Every Women Deserves

So, I've been away failing at my challenge. More on that later. 


Right now, I just have to address a phenomenon that is hitting Facebook by storm. It usually goes like this:

"Every woman deserves a man who calls her baby, kisses her like he means it, holds her like he never wants to let her go, doesn't cheat or lie, Wipes her tears when she cries, doesn't make her jealous of other women, instead makes other women jealous of her, is not scared to let his friends know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her. Re- post if you agree"


Now, of course, this should immediately go on to 15 Things White Girls Love To Do On Facebook. But we have deeper issues to address here. In fact, I will address it straight to the source.


No, white girl on Faceplace, I will not re-post your thing. The fundamentals of your assertion are wrong. First of all, not every woman deserves this. Some women are awful people who punch children and cheat on their taxes. Some woman are perfectly normal but don't want any of this. Some women think this is nice, but would rather have a glass of wine, or a nice Kia Sorento, or a puppy, or whatever it is that women want nowadays.


But even deeper than that, I want to Inception the real dilemma in this statement. What in hell makes you worthy to have such a person in your life? This doesn't just happen. To wait around waiting to win happiness like it's some kind of lottery is the definition of delusion. You are not Carrie Bradshaw (yes, I know who that is). There is not Carrie Bradshaw. She is just a made up mascot. You, being a real person, must earn it. A good person in your life with is a result of a few things:

-Not allowing people to treat you like crap.

-Working on your own attitude/personal health/mental well being

-Actually going after the things on your wishlist

-Realizing that the other person you desire is not a fucking accessory, but a living and breathing human being with their own wants and desires.

Yeah, sure, luck is a bit of a factor. But I'm the kind of man who believes that you manufacture the luck you get. This goes both ways, so I don't want to see guys start whining about "Finding Cool Chicks" on the Faceplace either. 

Oh, and it's also a lot of work to get to that point, so be prepared to put in the time. You might want to ask yourself how much you really want it. If not, then I would post something different. Something like:

"Most people deserve what they earn."

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 8

While doting over my beloved wife one evening, She hath asked of me how thy latest challenge is progressing. I hath said unto... I can't keep this up.

I told her it wasn't going very well. Then she said something that changed the game, "If you want to do chivalry, why don't you leave the toilet seat down?"

A QUEST!

Normally, I would have responded with my standard excuses (I find it sexist, I'm lazy, we have to bathrooms and I can leave one seat up and just poop in the other, etc...), but it got me thinking about the whole Chivalry thing. What is more Chivalrous than A QUEST?!?!??!

A QUEST!

From this day forth, I shall seek the favour (note the British spelling of "favour," which means it's serious) of my lady by putting down the toilet seat! This is swear upon Excalibur!

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Day 5

The long and the short of this is: I'm terrible at this new challenge.

I remember seeing old videos in grade school about how dinosaurs had poor nervous systems that operated too slow. If a branch falls on a dino's foot, instead of going to it's spinal column, the signal would make a lazy path to it's brain, then all the way back again to tell it to move (at least that is how 4th grade me remembers it).

I feel that is very much like my Chivalrous reaction time. Every time a female enters a room, the signal makes it's way from my eyes to the brain with all the urgency of a Family Circus cartoon. By the time I register that there is a female in the room and the signal makes a leisurely path to my legs forcing me to stand, the room is once again empty.

...Also I swear A LOT in public.

CHALLENGE: Chivalry Rehabilitated (Chival-Rehab)

Back in the Middle Ages, there was this idea of Chivalry. It started as a code of knighthood to enable the aristocratic warrior class to fight according to principles of honor, courage, loyalty, and excellence. As various romantic and religious elements took hold, Chivalry evolved to include upholding Christianity, honoring heraldry, protecting the innocent or poor, and service to thine lady.

It is the romantic notion of courtly love (service and devotion to your love) that survives as a chivalrous idea today. When people say, "Chivalry is dead," they mean courtly love and manners are dead. At least I think so. I don't see too many people lamenting the lost art of mace fighting or suit-of-armor polishing. Modern Chivalry has also come to take the form of gentlemanly conduct in the face of one's love and rivals.

I could use some class in the face of my enemies, so this sounds like the next great challenge. Rather than get an armor suit and getting my horse to prance around daintily while poking people with a stick (I'm not sure I really understand jousting), I'm going concentrate more on the social rules of conduct.

I did some research (on the internet) to create some guidelines Chivalry. There is no definitive guide, but I managed to pull the main concepts from various sources and arrange them into a list of some sort. 

This set is what I like to call the List Chivalry And Gentlemanly Guidelines (LOCAGG):

No cursing in public.

Don't raise your voice unless in public address or declaration of love.

Maintain an even temper.

Don't interrupt.

Remove your hat indoors.

Be the last to sit at a table.

Always forgive. 

Strive to be charitable every day. Specifically: do at least one selfless act for the less fortunate.

This is a little list that I like to call the List of Chivalry and Gentlemanly Guidelines Regarding All Ladies (LOCAGGRAG):

Always be vigilant to defend the honor and virtue of my lady.

Always stand when a lady enters the room. Stand on exit if possible.

Pull out chairs for a lady. If there are no chairs, offer your chair.

Open doors for a lady (or elderly).

Put on a coat for a lady.

Offer an arm to a lady when escorting outside.

Ask at least once every fifteen minutes if my lady needs anything.

THE CHALLENGE:

Uphold the spirit of Chivalry for 30 days by adhering to the rules outlined in the LOCAGG and the LOCAGGRAG to find out if there is any virtue to Virtue.

RULES:

1. All days are consecutive.

2. I must follow the rules outlined in the LOCAGG and the LOCAGGRAG.

3. While general rules regarding women are in play for all women, my Lady of Favour will always be my wife.

4. If something is deemed contrary to the LOCAGG/RAG or against the spirit of the challenge, Wife will decide the proper restitution.

Start Date: Monday, November 14th, 2011 12:01 AM

End Date: Wednesday, December 14th, 2011 Midnight

Huzzah!